14 September 2010

It's Not Supposed To Be Hard

The last couple of weeks I've felt sort of like Sysyphus (did I spell that correctly?). Not the weight of the world, but some pretty heavy stuff of my own has been rolling down since I last wrote here. Lessons, lessons - is that all there is in life? But, as my friend Bill says, what if that's all we're here for anyway - what if we only THINK it's not supposed to be hard?

In a nutshell -
* I'm learning, from spending time at the home of a woman in hospice care, that I push myself harder than my body will allow. Now, if you know me, this won't come as any big shock. Sure I come by it honestly - having had to suck it up and make do early in life - but nowadays my body say's "uh, uh" when I think I can do something that is stressful for six days in a row. The upside - one night last week I gave myself permission to sleep 13+ hours. It was marvelous.
* Because of the training I've been doing (seven weeks) at the Center for Women & Families I've been getting a LOT of practice in listening. Yeah, this frustrates me, a lot. I LIKE to be heard, and the little girl in me WILL be heard. But I've become aware that, if I just sit with her protestations that SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY TOO, then eventually what she needs to say separates itself from what she just wants to throw out there. This takes a lot of silent sitting time, and listening to what others are saying. I'm getting better at it too.
* As always my wonderful daughter, Sarah, is one of the best and most loving and efficacious teachers I have. I finally got to visit with her this past weekend (it hadn't happened since June!) and also got the chance to just observe and feel joy about how Sarah moves in and through the world. The dance that takes her through her days has its own music, and ranges in her body with such a uniquely Sarah sort of energy. I can't take credit for the fabulous woman she is, but I can recall that I always encouraged her authenticity, and allowed her feelings - even more readily than I would allow my own for all those years. I learn so much about loving with Sarah. And we shared a delicious Sav's Atketke (now I KNOW I spelled that wrong) salad while I was in Lexington.
* Writing is easy - it's submitting your writing to contests or for publication that's hard! But I've almost got all the entries ready for the Green River Writers contest - whew! - and have been developing some new work as well. I think my poems have taken a turn somewhere - my voice seems to be shifting. Maybe it's because I'm getting more confidence IN my own, true, voice all the time! I'm trying not to push, to let it develop, to just WRITE without judging. Hard. But empowering too. Fierceness and courage - at 58!

Hmmmm - did I say life was hard? These don't sound so onerous after all.